Thursday, May 25, 2006

silly "chicks"

out of three women, not one of them has heard "think before you speak"? I'm talking about the Dixie Chicks. one of them ran their mouth and "accidentally" dissed The View. Ms. Walters was quite proud of how her ladies handled it though, and one of the "chicks" apologized the next day.

now, I don't really care what they think about the president, but this whole "we're done with country, we're rock now." yeah, riiiiiight. I've heard the new single several times, and it's as country as all of the other albums.

silly "chicks"

Saturday, May 20, 2006

grad school angst

I have been considering going to grad school. There is even room for me in the program which I'd like to study in starting in the fall of 2007. But here's the thing: I don't know that I want to spend three more years in school (not to mention the money I'll need) on this. I could be continuing on my own work, my music, travel, even living somewhere else. There are so many other possibilities. The angst came last night with a call from my grandfather. He really wants me to get my Master's (or specifically, my MFA) and wants to see a course of study plan, "business plan" for financing the three years, etc. This will all have to wait until the fall, when the professor who will be overseeing my possible degree will be back from Japan. I keep trying to explain that AND that I haven’t made my final decision yet.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

biding my time

or "trying to please my true love"

or "thoughts on marriage" from an unmarried single.

For as long as I can remember, I've heard that the first year is the hardest for newlyweds. The reasons varied a bit from couple to couple, but usually involved the adjustments to cohabitation, finances, lifestyle, etc. I lived with a pastor's family for a few months in Nashville, and the couple handled allot of pre-marital counseling for the church. Pre-marital counseling is a very good idea. There are things that couples don't think about during the engagement that can become big issues later on. Also, statistically couples who live together before they get married are more likely to get divorced later on. Often because there are subconscious precedents laid down before they committed to marriage.

I don't want to seriously date anyone who I wouldn't consider marrying. I did it once, and it was a mess. So have I dated much? No. Does that bother me? No. Why? Because the right man for me (one approved by my First love - God) won't be bothered by it either. So I'm biding my time, trying not to waste it on hollow romances. Is my track record flawless? Not really, but whose is?

The idea of a big ceremony scares the crap out of me. Seriously. I can't watch the wedding scenes without going into a near panic. However, after discussing this with my mother and a couple of close friends, the speculation is that the guy I'll end up marrying will want a big ceremony. Greeaaat. I will however be insisting on including power tools in the registry. I doubt he'll have a problem with that.

The actual marriage (one day) is something that doesn't scare me. I know that there will be rough points, as there are in all relationships. There's no such thing as a perfect man or a perfect woman, but if there was that wouldn't be much fun. What "they" say is that well it's the right time and the right person, you'll know. And the right time doesn't always seem like the right time; in fact it can seem like the worst time to be meeting your "match". That's what I've heard.

Oh, and if by chance you've had some dream or word or vision about who I'm supposed to marry, DON'T TELL ME!!! I really don't want to know yet.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

who are we really helping?

That's the question that repeats itself over and over again in my mind every time I think about missions trips. I've been on a few. They were all very different, but also usually involved a building or work project, a meal project, and street ministry. Most trips last about a week - not a whole lot of time in the grand scheme of things, right? Most of the time it was the team who was the most affected by the trip. But then again, that's looking at it from a limited time table. Some things take years to develop.

I've been volunteering again at my church helping the wednesday night children's ministry teachers. There are quite a few kids from a nearby trailer park who come to the program. If I hadn't grown up in this particular church, I probably wouldn't be able to tell the difference between the kids. Why? Because not only is this church highly diverse, it also has been working with the kids from the surrounding area for years. The girls that I've been blessed to teach don't isolate themselves, but interact with each other. Not that they don't disagree with who gets most of the purple beads, but that's a minor issue. They really just want the necklace to be long enough, right? :)

Missions work can teach you that YOU are the problem. Until you are actually contributing to change, your long-winded speech is just hollow words. Personally, I think that if everyone got involved, then we'd have other things to talk about. Like what to do with all of the extra time and money we'd have for the community programs (even after the new facilities and equipment were paid for). That would be a good problem to have.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006


it's that time again. I am done with school and my brain and body had a staff meeting and decided that the proper course of action was to make me very, very sleepy for an indeterminate period of time.

see you in another week or so . . .

Monday, May 08, 2006

pushing through

Starting with the most recent events . . .

If you've been reading any of the recent posts, you know that I've been trying to beat a nasty little cold virus over the last week. I have a project due tomorrow, and being sick cut into my work time considerably. So this weekend I'm feeling better and make up for lost hours, although not completely out of the cold. Enter mega-migraine. My once EMT father proposed that could have been triggered by sudden drop in pain relievers that I'd been taking for the cold symptoms. That makes sense. I'd be asleep right now, but the caffeine from the med cocktail taken for the migraine has me up and wired (side note: caffeine has been found to boost the effects of pain relievers). So I worked some more on the project. I have no idea if I'll be able to finish with the original plan before tomorrow, but doing what I could tonight has actually made me feel better. Something about my wiring and the fact that doing something creative tends to make me feel better. The "ice pick in my skull" is still there, but less forceful. Oh, and I'd be doing more on the project right now, but it's in the drying stage, so I can't.

How do I start what I'm going to say next? For a little over two years now, I've come to find that I had been suffering from depression. Mild, but depression none the less. I knew something wasn't right, but I wasn't sure what. I figured whatever it was, it was just something to get over. I wasn't having trouble getting out of bed, my friends and family thought things were fine, but I wasn't. Then over the last few months I started coming across article after article about people going through alarmingly similar symptoms. I wasn't looking for these, but it got to the point were I couldn't escape them. So, I sought counsel, did some research, and started on a very mild medication. It was like a light coming on. The anxiety dissipated, the depression lifted, and I had the drive to do the things that I loved again. Oh, and I also survived the final weeks before my Exit. Not that it was all a piece of cake. I still had to face what drove me there in the first place, and the choices that I had made over the last two years. There are things that I wish I hadn't done, but I did, and that can't be changed.

So the important thing is to push through, because it won't be easy, but it will get better.

Saturday, May 06, 2006

I would answer my phone, BUT

doing that would require speaking, which makes me feel kinda like I'm choking. ick.

That's how I felt yesterday (all day) and most of this week. Mom was all concerned that I didn't answer when she called. It's this annoying cold. Which, by the way, is going away, but not as quickly as I'd like.