All I Need

this title is one from a song that I friend of mine wrote. it also happened to close the season premiere of Grey's Anatomy tonight. the song is a favorite of mine, and seeing Mat doing this (from a distance) brings joy in a way that I can't really explain. it's a personal thing, but when I watch my friends out doing what they love and succeeding at it at the same time - I couldn't be happier. maybe because I've also watched as people I loved threw everything that they dreamed of away.

the last few months I've been thinking alot about what I want to do now. I've been applying for jobs, thinking about grad school, cleaning out/organizing my studio . . . alot of thought and alot of prayer. I'm an artist , and I always have been. BUT . . . I haven’t been able to get really excited about it. not enough to make it my career. it's something I've always done, and I'll always do, but I've felt like it wasn't the main thing. it sounds crazy, right?

so I recently auditioned for a musical. I hadn't sung in front of anyone in several YEARS, and I hadn't auditioned in what, five at least? the audition was terrifying, I locked me throat up and threw my timing off, but Tom (the director) saw through it or just took a chance. rehearsals have been a re-learning curve to say the least. it's hard and I'm having to really work at it, and I love it.

and then a couple of days ago it started to hit me - I didn't have to work at Art. not much. and that sounds conceited, but it's true. it came just easily enough that I didn't have any real motivation to work any harder. I loved it, but it just wasn't enough of a challenge. music has always been different. I love it, but most of the time I'm picking apart every little moment. if I didn't have to work on the pieces then I had stage fright to compensate for. and when that was ok then I had new pieces to work on. it challenges me and terrifies me. I love being on stage, in rehearsals, and in writing sessions. for three years I left it behind and focused on a degree, but now I have to try to make THIS work. I'll still be using the jewelry torch, and the sewing machine, and the paints, but I can't leave music behind again.

so that's where I'm at.